It's been a while since I posted. Nothing big, nothing new with us... for once. Caden will be 5 years old in a few months. Five years... seems like forever. I had a thought last night. I went and looked at some old pictures of him. The ones before all of the scars.
Every time I touch Cameron's chest I think about Caden's. I can't help it. It angers me that I don't have more pictures of Caden before surgery. He was so young. I find it ironic that I literally cannot imagine my child without scars, while most parents can't imagine their child with scars.
I don't like to look. I don't have a choice. Neither does he.
I'm still waiting for him to ask. I'm dreading the thought of explaining it to him. I wish it would just go away. My poor baby has been through enough. Our family has been through enough. He has an estimated 2-4 years before the next surgery. I wonder how things will be different then? He'll be in school. He'll have friends and want sleep-overs. He'll want to be "normal".
When we left the hospital in May of 2007, our social worker told us to treat him like a normal child. Normal children don't have scars like this. Normal children aren't in the hospital for months. Normal children don't have to have open heart surgeries. How can we treat him normally if he's not normal?
How can we treat him like a normal child when we constantly watch him for signs of heart failure? There are things he cannot and will not be able to do. Things that we have to tell him that he can't do... because of his heart.
I truly believe that at this stage in the game, it's harder for Paul and I than it is for Caden. He doesn't realize the extent of his medical issues. He doesn't realize that him being alive is a miracle. I look at his beautiful little face and I can't imagine him not here. His quirky little attitude. His hilarious sense of humor. His thoughtfulness.
I just had to get some things off my chest. It's not healthy to bottle these things inside. There's nothing wrong, don't worry. These are just some of the things I think about. Love you guys.
